A Letter to Zombie Walker

Dear Zombie Walker,

Thank you for encouraging me, without words, to write this blog. It’s been brewing for a long time but you know, I’ve been busy with life and things like walking with a purpose, unlike yourself.

I notice you are listening to music, chatting on the phone, texting and staring off into a distance that is so far from your existence that you will never, ever reach it. None of these things give you some sort of super power that instantly evaporates all those around you into tiny droplets that explode when the sunlight connects with them. This does not make you alone out there. There are still people around you and you are not the only mother fucker out there breathing in the crisp air and stepping upon the good earth.

Frankly, you’re in my way. You are in front of me, walking a slow deathly speed and every time I try to get around you, you slowly change course in that same direction. I, in return, change course like a pinball in a pinball machine, and yet again, you change your course too.

I am not sure if you’re aware of the group I’ve joined on Facebook? You should be. Take note Zombie Walker. Use a large pen and highlight it. Say it out loud. The group is called, “I secretly want to punch slow walking people in the back of the head”. Guess what? It’s not a fucking secret anymore. You are a slow walker, and I want to punch you in the back of the head.

“Excuse me.”, I ask politely.
“Excuse me.”, I say again.
“HELLOOOOO?????”, I spew with irritation overload.
“EXCUSE ME!!!!”, as I shoulder check you and launch a thousand Spartan spears from my eyes into your head whilst silently laughing inside like the devil who got her groove back on.

By the time I’ve passed, you’ve finally awaken from your slumber, only to realize that the explosion of droplets that you thought evaporated me into nothingness has reformed me into a living breathing human being!

No fucking shit! I actually EXIST and you are NOT ALONE!

So do me a favor.

Wake the fuck up Zombie Walker. This is not a dreamful wake and you are not dreaming a vivid sleep.

THIS
IS
REAL
LIFE

And until you realize this, I vow to rip your cold zombie heart from your chest and throw it at your head so that you will never. Ever. Inconvenience me, because of you’re zombie state, ever. EVER. AGAIN!

Thank you dear Zombie!

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I feel like we have finally come to an understanding.

And if we haven’t…remember…I won’t be too far behind you, plotting your demise.

Yours truly,

My Guey