You know you live or have lived in Mexico when...

I stole this off one of the boards I read because I couldn't resist sharing. It cracks me up and is um....este...so true:

-A wedding is at 8:00 p.m., you get there at 10:00 p.m. and nobody has arrived yet.

-You will often have lunch and dinner at the same restaurant on the same day... without actually leaving

-You believe a shot of tequila cures everything.

-You have more prescription drugs in your toiletry bag than Eckerd does and you don't have an actual prescription for a single one.

-You bring along small cans of chilies when traveling to Europe.

-Leaving the office at 5:00 p.m. means working a "half day".

-Returning to the office after "la comida" on Friday means you're "un pinche gato".

-You blame the traffic on the rich.

-You blame the crime on the poor.

-You blame the PRI for almost everything else.

-You blame los "pinches gringos" for whatever's left.

-The word "Puente" means five-day weekend.

-You enjoy drinking beer with lime, salt, ice, Tabasco sauce and still think it's the orange juice in the morning that gives you heartburn.

-"Licenciado" is a proper name.

-If you order the tacos and your friend orders the enchiladas, you're positive the waiter will get it backwards.

-You go "pssssst" to catch a waiter's attention... in New York City.

- You refer to "@" as "Arroba" but have no clue what it means.

-You use the word "este" as a conversational filter... in English.

-You say "Bueno" when answering a telephone... in English.

-You say "Mande" when someone calls you...in English.

-You keep on addressing good friends as barnyard animals. ("Buey" & "Cabron" are the animals most often employed).

-You refer to a salesman as "maestro"... at Saks Fifth Avenue.

-You eat tacos, enchiladas, morcilla, moronga, and medula, but believe hamburgers are unhealthy.

-When someone tells you "I'll call you," you assume that he won't.

-You know "a ver cuando nos vemos" actually means "I really don't care if I don't see you anytime soon".

-"Tomorrow" means "not right now", "never", or "screw you."

-Calling in sick on Monday is proper behavior.

-You keep a 20-dollar bill taped to the back of your driver's license.

-If you want 50 people to show up for your party, you invite 150.

-You call an 80 year-old waiter "joven".

-You call a twenty year-old waiter "viejo."

-You call everyone else, "hermano", "mano", or "manito".

-But you call your real brother, "pendejo."

-You never refer to a friend's mother as simply "su madre", but always qualify by saying, "su señora madre", or "su querida madre", to avoid a misunderstanding which could get you a "madrazo"

-You profess, "como Mexico no hay dos", but secretly wish Mexico City was more like San Antonio.

No Bull

My Irish friend at work showed me this vid at work on Friday afternoon. And well, if you've worked with me, you can guess that on Friday afternoons I pretty much lose it.

I lost it over this video. SOOOOOOOOooooooooo funny. I couldn't stop laughing.

Did you pee your pants?

I should blog more but life is busy. I'll try harder this week.

The Garrafon Nazi...

...just struck again!

Muahahahahaha!

Be Prepared!

This is going to be a really quick rant.

Here's the scenario:

You have plans with your friends, you've known for a week, you know what time you're meeting them and you know how much everything is going to cost.

What you do:

For starters, you're late. This is unacceptable because I'm ALREADY late and yet you're still not ready so you make ALL OF US WAIT FOR YOUR SLOW ASS. We find parking but the only way to pay is by phone and you need a credit card but woops! You forgot it. Guess who has to step up to the plate? Surprise! ME! But guess what, that's not going to fly because I don't want my credit card attached to your license plate number. So now we have to move the car after we drove around several times trying to find a parking space. Then, you conveniently say you don't have any money on you when we have to buy tickets for the event. You "hope" they take "debit card" which is totally ridiculous for the event we are attending. OF COURSE THEY DON'T. Then, you inconvenience us all because you a) weren't considerate enough to make sure you were prepared and b) make us ALL wait outside in the cold so that YOU can go to the bank machine.

Maybe I'm just hyper sensitive about this kind of shit, especially since everyone in Mexico pretty much carries cash all the time and I never had to deal with this bullshit down there. But you KNOW you're going somewhere that will cost you money. WHY WHY WHY can't you guys get it together and make sure you have a little bit of money on you, plus your debit card, plus a credit card? It's called preparation and back-up. I has it. You needs to gots it too!

It's not my job to wait around because of your piss poor planning, nor is it my job to drop you at a bank machine and wait around, nor is it my job to lend you money, nor is it my job to have to pay for parking because you suck.

Got it?

GOOD!

Facebook Status Blowup

Last night after my lovely cat Moco (who is more dangerous than, "I want to lie on your clean clothes" Diablo), decided to mess with my printer. As a result, I thought the perfect outlet for this was my Facebook status when I was suddenly reminded that I should have just blogged. So I am copying and pasting what went down on Facebook last night here, because it was so, ME in my Bitchlog sort of way.

Please Note: Names have been changed to protect the innocent (which includes me).

My Guey is going to kill her cat Moco for sticking her paws in her printer and ripping parts out of it. Say goodbye to her now JJ!

My Guey likes this.

Lurker Girl at 21:36 on 07 April

Don´t kill her. Box...holes...ship south!

JJ at 21:43 on 07 April

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Angel! She was just trying to help the paper get out faster!

My Guey at 21:44 on 07 April

You don't want her either! You know she'll attack the baby Jesus. I can hear you now screaming at her. Seriously I don't know that that's such a good idea either. You'll kill her too. OH MY GOD I'M SO MAD. She's the devil in disguise. It's F'Head's fault for grabbing her face and saying "She's cute and oh no she has spray paint on her we can't leave her!!!" Bastard. YES WE CAN.

This is where you tell me to breathe and that "you'll take care of it".

Good thing too. Flames....on top....of head....smoke... = distastah!...

Susie says I'm a mathematical genious....hows this for math:

Moco + Printers + Tampons in purse + Electronics on table + jewlery + chicken = ME VERY MAD ME VERY SCARY

Oh my god that was as long as blog. Why didn't I just blog????

Ah hahahaha. I'm laughing now. Ha. That was funny. Ok time for night nights.

Bai!

My Guey at 21:47 on 07 April

JJ, PULEASE. The thing was off.

Moco = Devil

Lurker Girl at 21:47 on 07 April

Can´t breathe...laughing too hard! You ... breathe...then hide EVERYTHING....and go get some sleep!

Seriously that was one of the funniest rants I´ve read in a LONG time!!

Tacks at 21:56 on 07 April

I need a paper shredder. can i borrow her?

JJ at 21:56 on 07 April

Well I for one am happy I live 300 miles south...

Kimchi Girl at 22:43 on 07 April

heeheehee:)

SeWong at 23:23 on 07 April

your cat... + chicken?!

Lil Spicy 1:36 on 08 April

Now that's the MyGuey that I have grown use to seeing....she appears every now & again....then poof, she's gone!

My Guey at 10:00 on 08 April

SeWong...yes...she steals it. She is a super duper fan of the raw stuff.

Lil Spicy...glad to oblige. Don't forget, I have multiple personalities so of course the whacko cat hater has to come and go. lol.

She Always Finds the Clean Ones...

My jeans, hung up to dry:

Lint stuck on my jeans:

Seriously, why do they always go after the clean stuff???

A Letter to Zombie Walker

Dear Zombie Walker,

Thank you for encouraging me, without words, to write this blog. It’s been brewing for a long time but you know, I’ve been busy with life and things like walking with a purpose, unlike yourself.

I notice you are listening to music, chatting on the phone, texting and staring off into a distance that is so far from your existence that you will never, ever reach it. None of these things give you some sort of super power that instantly evaporates all those around you into tiny droplets that explode when the sunlight connects with them. This does not make you alone out there. There are still people around you and you are not the only mother fucker out there breathing in the crisp air and stepping upon the good earth.

Frankly, you’re in my way. You are in front of me, walking a slow deathly speed and every time I try to get around you, you slowly change course in that same direction. I, in return, change course like a pinball in a pinball machine, and yet again, you change your course too.

I am not sure if you’re aware of the group I’ve joined on Facebook? You should be. Take note Zombie Walker. Use a large pen and highlight it. Say it out loud. The group is called, “I secretly want to punch slow walking people in the back of the head”. Guess what? It’s not a fucking secret anymore. You are a slow walker, and I want to punch you in the back of the head.

“Excuse me.”, I ask politely.
“Excuse me.”, I say again.
“HELLOOOOO?????”, I spew with irritation overload.
“EXCUSE ME!!!!”, as I shoulder check you and launch a thousand Spartan spears from my eyes into your head whilst silently laughing inside like the devil who got her groove back on.

By the time I’ve passed, you’ve finally awaken from your slumber, only to realize that the explosion of droplets that you thought evaporated me into nothingness has reformed me into a living breathing human being!

No fucking shit! I actually EXIST and you are NOT ALONE!

So do me a favor.

Wake the fuck up Zombie Walker. This is not a dreamful wake and you are not dreaming a vivid sleep.

THIS
IS
REAL
LIFE

And until you realize this, I vow to rip your cold zombie heart from your chest and throw it at your head so that you will never. Ever. Inconvenience me, because of you’re zombie state, ever. EVER. AGAIN!

Thank you dear Zombie!

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I feel like we have finally come to an understanding.

And if we haven’t…remember…I won’t be too far behind you, plotting your demise.

Yours truly,

My Guey